Conflicted

One of my dear grandmothers passed away a little bit ago. My family had moved away when I was 14, and then I grew up and moved even farther away and got swept up in my life and my little ones and what I was doing. And then she was gone. Quickly. I had a wake up call. Life really is short. I've had a lot of aching moments thinking of times that I would think of her and decide to call her to chat - and then something came up and that had to be done and we had to get there and then I had to go to bed.....whatever. And I never would call. I never would write. And I loved my Grandma.

So tonight I was looking through the mail and there was a letter from an attorney in Oregon. I was surprised and couldn't figure out what it could possibly be about. Then as I opened it and began reading my eyes passed over the phrase Last Will and Testament. I had this sinking in my stomach. I thought, "Please, oh please tell me you did not leave anything to me." It's such a weird feeling to even think about that kind of stuff after someone has died. And then the hardest thing of all was when I found, at the end of the document, a form I needed to fill out to basically lay claim to my portion. It felt wrong to even fill it out. It felt like I was coming forward and asking for something from my grandma whom I was feeling in debt to relationship-wise.

Anyway. My thoughts.

And I did decide to seize the day. I had a plane ticket to go see her when I found out she had Leukemia and then she died before I was scheduled to fly out. So I kept the same flight and went to see my other grandparents who also live in Oregon and had a lovely time. Visiting, catching up on what is going on in each others lives, looking through photo albums and hearing many stories of their growing up years. It was precious time. Time that I will be forever thankful for, and wish that I would've made happen earlier with my grandma.

I am so grateful for my family. All of them. Parents, siblings, aunts and uncles, cousins, grandparents, 2nd cousins, nieces, nephews, in-laws. They all have a special place in my heart and have played a part in my life experiences that have given me great memories and contributed to who I am today.

Now to figure out how to stay in touch with everyone.....the blog counts, right? Except that they don't all have one. And there's a difference between knowing what's going on and having conversations and getting a great hug. Okay - if you are family and you are reading this, please consider yourself hugged. You are all running through my mind right now. Yes, ALL of you.