Women

I'm sitting here late on a Friday afternoon.  Thankfully the sun is shining and has warmed things up enough that the children have been outside since they arrived home from school.  All I've done is read the newest National Geographic cover to cover while laying on Amelia's bed.

I am tired.  Really tired.  I could cry - not a sad cry, just a "we made it another week" cry.  I am thinking of all the mothers out there who are feeling that way, maybe at this same moment.  Of the kids out in my yard right now, all their mothers are experiencing trying times.

My neighbor across the street has been struggling to support her family as her husband frantically searched for a new job due to a lay-off.  Thankfully he just found work, but it is more than an hour drive from home and she is learning to do more than she's ever had to do before as he is gone first thing in the morning and does not arrive until much later at night.  She's tired.  I can hear it in her voice and feel it when she comes to pick up my kids every morning to drive them to school before heading off to her full-time job.

I am watching two other boys this afternoon as their exhausted mom tries to cram last minute bookeeping tasks before the end of the month.  She is doing all she can to help support her husband and their beautiful family.

Another friend just drove up minutes ago in a rush to get her daughter and get to a soccer training.  She thanked me for picking up her kids from school today as she had only had 5 hours of sleep.  She mentioned with a sigh that her husband would be working all weekend.  She's trying to help pay the mortgage by working the night shift for a cable company.

And I am now divorced.  I've got all sorts of things I am trying to figure out.  How can I stretch myself farther?  How can I make things run more efficiently?  What can we get rid of so we don't have so much to clean up all the time? (:

I'm not here to complain.  Far from it.  Mike has actually continued to be a great support.  I am just surrounded by this wonderment of women.  Who we are.  What we do.  Why we do it.  I think of the four of us neighbors.  We watch each others kids, we feed them dinner when we know their mom just needs to put her feet up, we take turns picking up kids from school, we go on a late night walk together, we drop off the occasional flower bouquet or birthday card or cheer up card, we give hugs, we don't ask "how are you?" when we know it's best to leave it alone.  We don't even notice if we walk into each others houses and it looks like a bomb just went off.  Sometimes we commiserate, lots of times we laugh. Lots of times none of these things happen, but we know that if we ask, they will come.

It's made me remember that wonderful 3 years we lived in Michigan.  I will forever hold dear to my heart the wonderful friends I made while there.  We had each others back.  No matter what.  We lived in family housing which consisted of groups of townhomes that all faced inward surrounding a courtyard.  In my courtyard we had huge trees, grassy areas, picnic tables, a sand box and a playground.  Everyone's kitchen window opened out onto that courtyard.  I could stand there washing all my dishes while my baby slept and see my 3 year old run around and play with the other kids and know that all the moms out there had their eye on him.  And then two hours later I might be the one out there watching their kids.  We swapped ideas for dinner, pushed each others kids for hours in the swings, encouraged each other when we were feeling loaded down while our husband was busy studying for finals, helped the newcomers learn English, looked to one another for help with parenting, shared our thoughts on God.

A woman has so many responsibilities.  So many.  We see everything that needs to get done, and then all those extra things that we think should be done as well.  It can be overwhelming sometimes, but we just keep going.  Just keep doing.  Just keep loving, and wiping, and washing, and teaching, and sighing, and crying, and yelling, and hugging, and encouraging, and taking deep breaths, and remembering how much it is all worth it.

I am so proud of all women.  Ours is a tough gig.  I really am so grateful to all the women who support me and, in turn, my family.  Ours is a bond of sisterhood.  May we have cheerful hearts and allow our load to be lightened.

Conflicted

One of my dear grandmothers passed away a little bit ago. My family had moved away when I was 14, and then I grew up and moved even farther away and got swept up in my life and my little ones and what I was doing. And then she was gone. Quickly. I had a wake up call. Life really is short. I've had a lot of aching moments thinking of times that I would think of her and decide to call her to chat - and then something came up and that had to be done and we had to get there and then I had to go to bed.....whatever. And I never would call. I never would write. And I loved my Grandma.

So tonight I was looking through the mail and there was a letter from an attorney in Oregon. I was surprised and couldn't figure out what it could possibly be about. Then as I opened it and began reading my eyes passed over the phrase Last Will and Testament. I had this sinking in my stomach. I thought, "Please, oh please tell me you did not leave anything to me." It's such a weird feeling to even think about that kind of stuff after someone has died. And then the hardest thing of all was when I found, at the end of the document, a form I needed to fill out to basically lay claim to my portion. It felt wrong to even fill it out. It felt like I was coming forward and asking for something from my grandma whom I was feeling in debt to relationship-wise.

Anyway. My thoughts.

And I did decide to seize the day. I had a plane ticket to go see her when I found out she had Leukemia and then she died before I was scheduled to fly out. So I kept the same flight and went to see my other grandparents who also live in Oregon and had a lovely time. Visiting, catching up on what is going on in each others lives, looking through photo albums and hearing many stories of their growing up years. It was precious time. Time that I will be forever thankful for, and wish that I would've made happen earlier with my grandma.

I am so grateful for my family. All of them. Parents, siblings, aunts and uncles, cousins, grandparents, 2nd cousins, nieces, nephews, in-laws. They all have a special place in my heart and have played a part in my life experiences that have given me great memories and contributed to who I am today.

Now to figure out how to stay in touch with everyone.....the blog counts, right? Except that they don't all have one. And there's a difference between knowing what's going on and having conversations and getting a great hug. Okay - if you are family and you are reading this, please consider yourself hugged. You are all running through my mind right now. Yes, ALL of you.

Feeling Blessed

I am sitting here this evening reflecting on the wonderful blessing of friendship in my life. How full I feel inside! There are so many incredible people who have come into my life - some to stay, and some who have been around for a season and then parted. Each has had something so precious to give me. I have been taught lessons, shared laughs, been silly, been hugged in times of distress, been buoyed up by levels of thoughtfulness that I could never have imagined, been pranked, received flowers, treats, or calls at crucial moments - that only those so close to you can know the need for.

I am so grateful for each one of my friends. I (for once) am lacking words. I am just filled with emotion and a deep gratitude. I sometimes wonder why I am so lucky to have countless relationships with great people. They seem to surround me! Special neighbors, extended family, siblings, parents, other friends who might as well be my sisters, those I have worked with in various capacities, some who have just been a listening ear or a consistent smiling face.

Thank you all. I would be a happy girl if I could do half as much for you as you do for me.